Saturday, February 21, 2009

The good, the bad...the sad.

This is going to sound absolutely nuts, but I will proceed anyway.

You don't know somebody until you know somebody. For the sake of protection, I am going to be very brief and shallow in my description. I've learned that you can go your entire life "knowing" somebody, appreciating everything about them and than it hits you......somewhere in this situation you realize the things you know are no longer relevant about this person. You've worked so hard to get to know them, that you stopped when you reached a certain point. We have to remember that getting to know someone is an ongoing process that takes genuine effort. Sorry to say, but sometimes the person you once knew turns into someone you are fine not knowing at all. Chalk it up to a "thanks for being there" sort of thing, because it is truly too heartbreaking to realize that you've been friends with a figment of the past.

I'm really sorry, that is probably the most negative thing I've said on here. We have all been in situations where we've been let down--my advice--stay strong.

I define a good friendship as a correspondence where effort meets honesty. Where nothing but the truth is said. After all, if two people can handle the truth, than they can handle eachother completely. Recently, a friend, a very good friend, brought something I was doing to my attention. She informed me of a habit I was falling into and I appreciate that she did so. She informed me that in the midst of my new experience, I was looking past the experiences of others. I am so glad she informed me of this, because it is the last habit I want to fall into. The entire conversation opened many eyes for me (more than two if I had them). First, it made me step back and realize the importance of including other people's experience into my conversations (which I generally do want to do). Second, it made me think about how good of friends her and I must be after she called me out. Lastly, I applied that realization to all of my friendships and the product is a guy working harder to appreciate everyone around him.

As I've said before, I've been working pretty hard on writing some truthful music. It hit me today in the midst of writing how ironic my entire song colletion is. I instantly write about love. While I've had my first taste of love, I didn't realize that it was so profound in my life that it consumes my entire creative being. It isn't that I write about love that is frustrating me, it is the fact that I neglect other factors of my life. I always go around claiming that love and romance isn't for me, but what if truthfully it is--maybe it is and I'm just scared of it. I let one bad, not bad experience...GREAT experience that ended ruin so many opportunties for me. Since dating Gina, I've not gone on one single date, I've not had a romantic aim and I've taken nothing seriously in terms of relationships. I've let so many opportunities pass me by, and I wonder why. I'm a young, decent looking guy, shouldn't I be celebrating my prime with experiences full of romance? I can write romance, speak romance, teach romance, but I can't do romance. I am totally aware of how young I am, but so much is learned from taking moments seriously with another person. I am frustrated with myself, because I know that if I worked harder towards it I could have a very special relationship. I need to let go of the moments of a perfect summer and a perfect relationship, and realize that there are more people out there for me to experience.

Tonight I was able to watch the Wynonna Judd concert. Although an interesting crowd rushed the venue, I really enjoyed her. She has the voice of lightening, a personality of gold, and a true passion for what she does. Her music takes listeners through a journey. As she performed songs from her new album, I was consumed in the lyrics and the styalized delivery. Who knew that I was so fond of Wynonna Judd. Of course, her classic "Grandpa" touched the hearts of me and everyone else in the joint.

The song instantly takes you back to some past time in your life where you just can't help but wonder "why?" I was instantly back several years ago to a living room with a Great Grandmother who taught me about the rosary everyday...a few years later, I was in a kitchen with a Great Grandma who taught me how to make Sugar Boys (sugar-covered fried dough) while waving her cane at me...a few more years later, I was wrapped in the hug of a Grandmother who taught the power of kindess, and not too long after that, I was at a kitchen table sipping coffee and singing "I'm forever blowing bubbles," with a Great Grandmother--all of these individuals have since passed, but their legacy lives on in my heart every single day. As I write this, I feel my heart opening up with sadness, but I am okay. I am okay, because I realize how blessed I was to have shared so much of my life with these fine ladies. They shared stories and experiences with me that I could never, ever forget. While being alive, they helped me grow so much and in losing them, although an awful feeling, they helped me grow up so much. It is true when they say that you never stop missing someone. I haven't stopped a single day. Everyday, I feel the same pain I felt the day that I lost some of the best people I ever knew. I can grasp the very emotion I felt and weep instantly--as I trying not to right now. I just can't help but wonder if they knew how much of my love was aimed towards them. This is a poem I wrote in honor:

When your time's run short
And you have to go
Spread your wings
You're not alone
For we are here
By your side
To lift you up
And help you fly
God will show you love and truth
He will now take care of you
Like you did for the one's you love
Our angel on earth has flown above

(Copyright 2009)

That poem says it all...angel on earth. Each of those woman were nothing less than a God sent gift for me. I wanted to share how important they were, because I miss them very much right now.

I apologize if the tone of this blog was negative or depressing, but it shouldn't be. I take all that comes with my life--the good and the bad...and the sad. Everything has taught me something, and I am finding that learning is so much more than obtaining knowledge. It is obtaining knowledge and applying it to life. We only have one shot at living and I find it imperative to learn all I can. I want to leave it behind so that those who have learned from me have an, even better, experience.

I hope you all have a great day--Take care!


Natalie said...

Are you sure we weren't separated at birth? I related to everything you said.I miss my grandparents everyday and my special aunty went a few months ago. These people raised me. I get it.x

Queen Mama Mia said...

Don't ever loose site of the memories, love, joy and respect you had with your dear grandmothers. Keep them close in your heart, and when you become a grandfather one day, you'll really experience and understand the awesome joy and love they felt for you. There are no words to explain that joy! Make yourself a wonderful day dear.

Anonymous said...

OH WOW! As usual, I am blown away by your depth! You are incredibly insightful.
Now...the negativitiy...NOT THERE, my friend. This was in no way a negative or depressing post. I think you should re-examine some of what you wrote so that you can stop being so hard on yourself. In each stanza, there are lessons that you have learned (which you acknowledge). But there is so much more. These "sad" times teach us empathy, compassion, love, respect, dignity, truth, etc. You have embraced your lessons. My suspicion is that when you are overwhelmed with tears, it is actually one of these lessons that are being tapped into and you are mourning the loss of the teacher. That is never a bad thing! Keep writing! And be prepared - at some point, I will be approaching you to write a poem that be read at my "Celebration of Life!" I loved the one you posted! Have a good day Nick James!

Queen Mama Mia said...

Hi from Dina!