Monday, July 19, 2010

The view out my window.

Right now I am sitting on my bed, staring out the window. The temperature of the air as it inflates my lungs strikes me as familiar. Suddenly I'm a child again, staring out the window of the bedroom I grew up in. The familiar scenes of the cul-de-sac where I grew up became vivid. I saw myself playing catch with my father, learning to ride my bike, running around with my siblings as they dribbled a soccer ball or played street hockey with the other neighborhood kids. The air that inflated my lungs as I swung with my mother on the front yard swing is just like the air that I am inhaling right now.

I taste the foods of my childhood too. My grandmothers pasta dish that she cooked whenever occasion allowed. My mothers staple dishes that she so often prepared. I taste chocolate milkshakes sipped out of blue straws that my great grandmother served every summer afternoon I spent exploring the world of her home.

Today I'm looking back and livng every moment from there to now as best I can. I'd do anything to relive those moments. To hear my father speak to me like a child again, singing his famous "I love your little feet" song. Or to have my mother sit with me on the couch and rub my back as I tried to convince her of all my crazy ideas. I want to dance in the living room with my older sister, or "fight" in the yard with my brother and I want to spend my summer working my first job with my youngest sister again. I'd love to sit and hear the comedy of my gradmother as she joked about life in her recliner. I want the familiar banter of family friends crowded around the kitchen table playing poker and laughing relentlessly. I want all of those moments back again so I can truly understand what they meant and how amazing they were. I want to go back and have every conversation again and appreciate what everyone was saying, the ideas they were teaching me. I want to never have raised my voice to my folks or disrespected them in anyway. I wish I made no excuses and visited my grandparents more.

I want the smells, tatstes and sounds of my childhood back. Because the view out my window today isn't comfort, it isn't home. Here I sit today, moved so far forward but I cannot look anywhere but back.

I wear watches with no batteries in them, because I find it hard to carry the reminder of time with me. Because I've had some amazing moments in time, but I can never have them back.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I was reminded of how fortunate my life on this planet is. It hit me on a hot Arizona night, in a truck bed watching fireworks, surrounded by people I love. As we all shared each other’s company and the view of Fourth of July fireworks blasting over the pitch black silhouettes of the mountains, I looked around and couldn’t help but cherish the memory being made, and all of the memories made before this perfect night. Perhaps it was the still of the night, or the absence of Los Angeles’s sky rises, but everything that is good was clear to me for the first time, in quite some time. Every deadline, headline, responsibility, place to be , time restriction, feeling of rejection, feeling of stress, and the list goes on and on ,disappeared; standing where all of the negativity was, was the blatant truth of life’s big secret. Give love, receive love and cherish the moments with those you share love with. A true mark of success is not solely the amount of recognition you receive, or the big paycheck you earn; success is letting people in who support you, love you and are enthused by every step you take towards where you want to be.

I have the best support system in the world. On my crazy adventure, I have had some of the most amazing people by my side through every action. What was truly remarkable about this specific weekend was the fact that I had, in one place, key individuals from each chapter of my life. An Individual who witnessed the day I was born, individuals who shared my life through middle school, high school, college and now my first steps into the real world, and an individual who joined the ride upon my arrival in Los Angeles. Standing in one place, it felt as though the ghost of life’s past and present came together to tell me that the future will be comprised of incredible moments and genuine happiness. I have faith in knowing that however they are connected, or why doesn’t matter. What matters most to me now is in these moments recognizing who loves me and who I love. I have just as many letters in a pile on my counter as a do bills, I have just as many struggles as I do triumphs and I have so much more ambition than fear…and through it all I have the biggest forces on my side: My family and my closest friends

And like fireworks, you are all a booming part of my life. No matter how dark the sky may be or how loud life can get, your presence will always dominate who I am with beauty and color.

I address this to you.

Thank you for pushing me, catching me, guiding me, letting me get lost, and being there for me with open arms when I come back from being lost. If ever I am down or stuck with muddle, I will always think of you and become the best version of my past and present and will meet you in the future with gratitude and love.