Staring out at the California moon, I feel more human than ever. The silhouettes of the mountains dance upon the stillness of the night, just as my soul dances along the lining of my dreams. The chaos of the city night echoes dominantly, but tonight I only hear the air enter and exit my body. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. My chest fills up as my mind flows with memories and thoughts. While it may look like I am staring blankly, the truth is I am deeply in contact with the road I travel. I stare back at the simplicity of being a child. I remember the smell of the first day of school. The nerves I felt on my first date. The pain I felt during my first real fight with a friend. The anxiety I felt as i entered my first college classroom. The joy I felt when I was with the ones I love. I remember the hope I felt when I first moved away. From then to now, I see a complexity that has harvested a life that confuses me, and that I love.
It is overwhelming for me to think about what my mind was going through about seven months ago. I believe my biggest concern was that I called my parents to check in with them and to tell them where I was. Maybe I was stressed as I worked on finishing another semester of school. Or was I distracted with the joy I felt as I traveled Ohio performing for a radio station? It was all so simple then. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back from this point in time, it was so easy.
It didn't take long for simple nights out to turn into surviving in an extremely busy city. Or for term papers to turn into bills on the counter. It didn't take long at all. I feel more grown up than ever as I soon will be moving into my first apartment. August 1st, I will go from a squatter to a resident at a beautiful apartment. And I'll have a car to go with it. This is all exciting, but it all means that i will be spending more money. More money means more work, which means less time to audition and practice. I will manage though, as usual.
In the intensity of my new responsibilities, I'm learning, very much, to appreciate my ability to land on my feet. There was a time when I doubted my ability to achieve big things, but not anymore. The past six months have been such a test of my will power and desire. I've managed to work many hours at two different jobs. One which requires a 2:00AM, 2 mile walk home through the city. Another which teaches me to wake up and function at 5:00AM. I've had my abilities judged my numerous casting directors. I've been picked and pulled on by top industry photographers and hairdressers. I've been promised things that were never even close to coming true. I've sang my guts out in a recording studio. I've stood tall and fallen hard, but I'd rather die trying to stand than to rest for a day on my knees. Although everything doesn't pan out, the winds of my future will certainly blow in the direction that I believe they will. This isn't a far shot. My ambitions are coming true, and it is more apparent everyday.
Life doesn't always happen the way it should. The "way it should" is actually only the way you think it should. Once we clear our minds of of we think things should happen and just open our minds to see how things pan out naturally, we will end up feeling more triumph than failure. I set goals, and many at that, but i never lay a trail of how I think they will be achieved. I simply make attempts, give effort and hope for the best. I think that practice and hope are the key ingredients in changing the winds of fate, but the simple fact is that the winds blow the way the winds blow. Follow the wind and see where you land. Keep your eye on your goals, make good decisions and one day you will get to where would like to be.
I got the chance to meet a person who had a dream and achieved his dream. Over a cup of coffee, the following statement was offered to me.
"If you can see it, it is done. Now all you have to do is get there."
As the moon keeps rising, my thoughts keep racing. Twenty years have flown by. I live an enchanted life. Although the sky is dark, and the future is hard to see, I know that the sun will rise and it is rising for me.
Here is my music suggestion of the moment. My buddy Brin plays in this band, but with an unbiased opinion, I urge you to get connected with McClory.
Best of the best to you all, my friends.
I do not have footsteps
3 weeks ago