Direction.

The general direction of your life, although obviously a constant motion, is never quite clear. Often times one thinks he or she is moving a certain direction, when actually the route they are on is simply a path towards an completely different direction. Sometimes you must head West to eventually go South. The idea here is that rather than spending time determining the direction, spend time discovering how you fit in and interact with what makes the route unique in itself.

Every turn I take, I realize I wasn't where I thought I was. I'm often far ahead of the game, or, during bad times, falling behind. There is great importance in keeping up with the pace of life and accepting it, for we have no great control over where we ultimately end up. There is no clear beginning or ends to situations, because, again, these paths are unpredictable; you never know when you will have to cross already treaded ground to get to a brand new landscape. Don't burn a fire to destroy anywhere you've been.

Accept everything life shows you along your way. It is all beautiful and it is all meaningful.

My modeling page.

Hey all!

In case you are interested, you can see and follow my upcoming modeling adventures at www.modelmayhem.com/nickybelardo

Let me know what ya'll think! NickJames18@aol.com

NJB

Today I lit a candle.

I want to be cold with the winter winds blowing so fiercely that I can barely stand it. I want the bottoms of my pants to be soaking wet with evidence that the winter storms have begun, acting as a sign to cling to anything that will keep me warm. That is how I grew up in the midwest. I want to look out the window of my childhood home and see the street covered, knee high in snow, knowing that I'd have to venture through the white blanket to reach any destination.

As cold as it could be outside, home was always warm and welcoming. The bay window peppered with Santa figurines and the latest addition to my mother's snowman decoration collection, always seemed to stand as a symbol to the holiday season. I'd stare at those decorations and couldn't help but notice the constant downfall of snow cover the ground, seemingly giving me a fresh, clean slate to start all over. It was like the world, once again, was painted white and I was offered the opportunity to repaint the scenery.

I want to start all over again. I want to be a little boy crowded around the table with my entire family, immediate and not, laughing and sharing stories. I want the smell of holiday meals to take over the air and the sound of my families chatter to dominate the house.

I'll be home for Christmas. I'll be there to take in every moment, more so than I ever have. I'll be home to share the company of a strong woman, who deserves to be healthy. She's shared every part of her life and now I will stand up as the man she helped me to become and share all that I have to see to it that she has many years to spend with our family.

Today I lit a candle. I did so with the intention of having it burn for all that I've had and all that I want it to remain, and become. I pray for the health of my loved ones. I pray for their opportunities to continue to come in the plenty and their hearts to be fulfilled with love and accomplishment. I pray for their health, their strength and their resilience. I pray for the blood within their veins to continue flowing with loyalty, humility and pride.

To you.

We all deserve to be happy. Nobody should disagree with that. If you are a human who has felt any ounce of pain or discomfort, you know you don't want to feel it again. It blows my mind that there are people out there that ruthlessly cause those feelings for other people.

The recent string of suicides due to bullying that we've all been hearing about in the news not only break my heart, but really make me mad. It isn't fair. We all live in this world. We entered it the same way as one another, full of life and opportunity. The term growing up shouldn't just include your age, but the way you act. Your first word should be the first step to the many you'll learn and the ways in which you use them. Use your words in a positive way, for the love of God.

Anyone out there who believes that homosexuality is so offensive that they feel the need to hurt another person is absolutely a dense person. I say that point blank and with full belief in it. I don't disagree with the fact that people can disagree, but its how you deal with your differences. I hope that everyone who has bullied or hurt another person with their words can feel that pain one day. Perhaps when they have children who just can't fit in.

To anyone out there who hates other people, I address this to you.

To the person who made another person cry, because what you saw you didn't like. I wish you all the very best that life has to offer. Because that's what I believe. I believe we all deserve to run fast, laugh loud and love fearlessly. One foot in front of the other, just like I move forward, I wish you to move the same. I hope you never feel left out, like you don't have a place in this world. I hope all those hateful words you choose to share, that you produce with no thought or reason, never get thrown back at you. I pray for you, that you never wake up with fear, because you don't know that the room you walk into will have anyone in it that welcomes you. I hope all of this for you.
And I hope your children never feel the wrath of someones hate. I hope they never go home from school and cry themselves to sleep. I hope that they never see "fag" carved into the side of their car, or garbage dumped on top of it. I hope that they have the opportunity to meet someone else and fall in love, with no reservations of doing so.
I wish you the very best, and I wish for you to have the chance to wake up and feel the same way about everyone. Its a big world and people like you make it feel like a shoebox. Closed, small and uncomfortable. Understand, however, that the more you beat something down, the stronger it will become. You may need someone someday that you never thought you would. Treat everyone that way so that when you are dying for a drink of water someone will share with you, because they see your worth. They see all you deserve to accomplish.
We all deserve good things.

I offer this to anyone who cannot help but be mean.

I pray for those who lost their lives because of the pain someone else caused.

And to those who aren't sure they belong, you do. I accept you and a lot of people in this world do. You are a wonderful person, no matter what anyone says. Look in the mirror and see all that you are.

Swiftly passing.

The autumn has arrived. Only this time, for only the second time in my life leaves aren't changing and the air isn't cooling.

There was always something comforting about the first day out wearing a sweatshirt and seeing how the Fall painted over the images of summer I played in for the past several months. The sounds of the local marching band whispering in my ears always became the soundtrack of the season and surely I knew that with the change of scenery would be a change in my life. Almost like an alarm clock began buzzing away, a part of my soul wakes up during each fall. I see similar things very differently, my attitude towards everything changes and I become an older person.

I was born in the fall. A yellow and orange world welcomed me--a season where families naturally become stronger and celebrations are in the plenty. I often wonder if being a fall baby is the reason I find so many things celebration worthy. Or maybe its the reason I believe in the spirit of a strong family.

Out west, the leaves don't change, people don't paint the town orange and, well, I haven't heard a marching band or watched a football game for the two years I've been gone from Ohio. This is simple enough and, truly, not too hard to deal with. The absence of the symbols I grew up associating with the Fall have faded, but my mind see's things differently. This is my time for a new beginning; a step towards my adult life where I turn old traditions into memories and begin building the traditions I will pass along to my future family. I will never, however, forget all I grew up to know.

September has come and is swiftly passing. I'll always see old Dales Court when I close my eyes; little me dressed up running down the street with my father, eager to catch the school buss. Or the image of leaves piled up in the yard as my mother and I set off to Maple Farms to buy apples and take wagon rides. I remember my first football practice and my first time under Friday night lights. The images are so bittersweet to me.

I look forward to cherishing those moments forever and I look forward to creating my own. September has come and October will pass quickly. This November I will age yet another year, but will always have my young heart.

Everyone deserves love, laughter and the sky as their limit.

You don't know what the people you know have seen, fought through, cried through, worked so hard to get through...all you know is that they survived and are always getting better. Be a positive influence in peoples lives. There are people who love them dearly and would be heart broken to know that their ...loved one isn't being treated right. Everyone deserves love, laughter and the sky as their limit.

Love something wildly today.

Just a few quick thoughts for the evening. Consider these following bullet points when dealing with other people.

-Be excited for another person in a genuine way. If someone constantly cheers you on, asks follow up questions in regards to situations in your life or even just encourages you often, do the same for them. They aren't looking for you to, but it feels good to know that the person you root for may be rooting for you too.

-Be consistent. If you are dealing romantically with someone, know what you want and act upon it. If you are sure you are interested in pursuing someone, call them, keep in touch with them, flirt, etc. If you are unsure about the person, tell them you are unsure. It is not proper or polite to make someone fall for you if you don't know that you'll be there to catch them. Return phone calls, MAKE phone calls, listen to them and remember what you hear and always communicate. Most of the time, it is a lot easier to find your way home when you haven't walked too far down the path. Don't walk someone to the middle of the forrest and leave them there.

-Small things count. Throughout your day, no matter how busy you think you are, perform small acts that let your friends or loved ones know that they matter. The very thing that keeps us disconnected in a real way, can be used in a good way to let that special someone know you are thinking about them. Call them, if you have five minutes. Text them, if you have a few minutes. Facebook them, if you have a two minutes. Twitter them, if you have 150 characters worth of time. The social patterns of todays world have made it so easy to communicate in micro ways. Do so, so as to not make the said person feel micro.

-Keep quiet. Your opinions are so important and they validate the fact that you are intelligent enough to think one way or another about something. THIS DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHARE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. If you have a problem with something that is happening and it indirectly affects you, get over it. Put a pillow over your ears, turn up your Ipod, or take a nap. There is too much hate in this world and if every small things causes a reaction of yelling and hate, than this world is off to a terrible place. If something affects you directly, than handle it like an adult. Don't insult, terrorize or bring down another person. Talk it out. Together you and your opposer can reach a mature disagreement.

-Stay positive. Your life isn't bad, trust me. It isn't. We are in America where its hard to have a bad life. If you are sleeping, peeing and eating on a park bench, move on to the next bullet point. Smile at a stranger, it really will change your fate. Look at the bright side, which is often easier than you think. Laugh at life's ironies. If you think people are stupid, you are stupid too, trust me...we all are.

-Put your phone down. Enjoy the company of those around you. Make a habit of turning of your phone when you are spending time with someone. If everyone is like me, they will want to punch you when they stare at the back of your stupid phone all night. This applies to certain settings, such as dates, or one on one dinners at a less than fast-food vibe sort of restaurant.

-Control your children. If you manage to make a Taco Bell look terribly worst because your children are running about out of control, then fix the problem. Discipline will lead to the many wonderful things, including an early understanding of the great points featured in this post.

Love something wildly today. In other words, harvest passion. Put your heart and soul into something. Whether it be your work, your love or your hobbies-- do something so intensely that it becomes a SOLE representation of your soul. Leave your mark on something so solidly that you will know, that no matter what, you've created something unique to yourself. Nobody can take that from you. Love something wildly today. Everyday.

NB

Quick thoughts.

I understand more everyday, the power of working hard to get what you want. Its not all fate...its more so a mix of hope, which is belief that it can happen, and the actions you put behind it all to make it happen.

The view out my window.

Right now I am sitting on my bed, staring out the window. The temperature of the air as it inflates my lungs strikes me as familiar. Suddenly I'm a child again, staring out the window of the bedroom I grew up in. The familiar scenes of the cul-de-sac where I grew up became vivid. I saw myself playing catch with my father, learning to ride my bike, running around with my siblings as they dribbled a soccer ball or played street hockey with the other neighborhood kids. The air that inflated my lungs as I swung with my mother on the front yard swing is just like the air that I am inhaling right now.

I taste the foods of my childhood too. My grandmothers pasta dish that she cooked whenever occasion allowed. My mothers staple dishes that she so often prepared. I taste chocolate milkshakes sipped out of blue straws that my great grandmother served every summer afternoon I spent exploring the world of her home.

Today I'm looking back and livng every moment from there to now as best I can. I'd do anything to relive those moments. To hear my father speak to me like a child again, singing his famous "I love your little feet" song. Or to have my mother sit with me on the couch and rub my back as I tried to convince her of all my crazy ideas. I want to dance in the living room with my older sister, or "fight" in the yard with my brother and I want to spend my summer working my first job with my youngest sister again. I'd love to sit and hear the comedy of my gradmother as she joked about life in her recliner. I want the familiar banter of family friends crowded around the kitchen table playing poker and laughing relentlessly. I want all of those moments back again so I can truly understand what they meant and how amazing they were. I want to go back and have every conversation again and appreciate what everyone was saying, the ideas they were teaching me. I want to never have raised my voice to my folks or disrespected them in anyway. I wish I made no excuses and visited my grandparents more.

I want the smells, tatstes and sounds of my childhood back. Because the view out my window today isn't comfort, it isn't home. Here I sit today, moved so far forward but I cannot look anywhere but back.

I wear watches with no batteries in them, because I find it hard to carry the reminder of time with me. Because I've had some amazing moments in time, but I can never have them back.

Fireworks.

I was reminded of how fortunate my life on this planet is. It hit me on a hot Arizona night, in a truck bed watching fireworks, surrounded by people I love. As we all shared each other’s company and the view of Fourth of July fireworks blasting over the pitch black silhouettes of the mountains, I looked around and couldn’t help but cherish the memory being made, and all of the memories made before this perfect night. Perhaps it was the still of the night, or the absence of Los Angeles’s sky rises, but everything that is good was clear to me for the first time, in quite some time. Every deadline, headline, responsibility, place to be , time restriction, feeling of rejection, feeling of stress, and the list goes on and on ,disappeared; standing where all of the negativity was, was the blatant truth of life’s big secret. Give love, receive love and cherish the moments with those you share love with. A true mark of success is not solely the amount of recognition you receive, or the big paycheck you earn; success is letting people in who support you, love you and are enthused by every step you take towards where you want to be.

I have the best support system in the world. On my crazy adventure, I have had some of the most amazing people by my side through every action. What was truly remarkable about this specific weekend was the fact that I had, in one place, key individuals from each chapter of my life. An Individual who witnessed the day I was born, individuals who shared my life through middle school, high school, college and now my first steps into the real world, and an individual who joined the ride upon my arrival in Los Angeles. Standing in one place, it felt as though the ghost of life’s past and present came together to tell me that the future will be comprised of incredible moments and genuine happiness. I have faith in knowing that however they are connected, or why doesn’t matter. What matters most to me now is in these moments recognizing who loves me and who I love. I have just as many letters in a pile on my counter as a do bills, I have just as many struggles as I do triumphs and I have so much more ambition than fear…and through it all I have the biggest forces on my side: My family and my closest friends

And like fireworks, you are all a booming part of my life. No matter how dark the sky may be or how loud life can get, your presence will always dominate who I am with beauty and color.

I address this to you.

Thank you for pushing me, catching me, guiding me, letting me get lost, and being there for me with open arms when I come back from being lost. If ever I am down or stuck with muddle, I will always think of you and become the best version of my past and present and will meet you in the future with gratitude and love.

Direction.

Sometimes you have a direction in mind; an idea about where your life is going. You see this direction and you can see yourself following it. Then suddenly it strikes you that every turn, even wrong ones are some sense of direction. No matter which way you turn; left, right, right, wrong, you will end up facing the fact that you will experience something that will teach you something and guide you somewhere.

I encourage everyone to have goals. Not a mystery of life. With a place to go, we are more likely to move towards somewhere. By moving somewhere, we never settle in acceptance of where we naturally are. It is a beautiful part of life. The idea that we can be somewhere pre-determined for us and with a little bit of elbow grease and a whole lot of hope we can alter it and become somewhere where we truly can find happiness.

Don't be afraid to take an alternate route. A dream is a destination. The journey to the dream will never be solidified. Embrace where life takes you, move forward with passion, with your dream in mind. Any movement at all, is something to be appreciated.

N.B

Happy?

Happy: A book I am reading and a journey I am on. Breath for breath I am experiencing more each day. Each "more" is making me more or less of what I was before. And in the abundance of responsibility and goals to accomplish I try to find time to contemplate exactly what it all means. What about what I do makes me happy? Is it the thought that it will get me to something greater...or is it the idea that I will get discovered, get rich, get loved, or get better? Perhaps its simply the idea that the very people I rely on to love me will love me more...or at all. I know I am loved, so why is that not good enough? Some moments I try to be a greater person by playing my heart strings to create a symphony of tones I am proud of...on weaker days I play a violin to the thoughts of everything I don't have.

I wish I could spend more time filling my table with company I am honored to keep and conversation so wild it never leaves my memory or love so passionate I lose my breath, but I don't; I spend more time cementing a wall in front of me. This wall is intricately built...with just enough cracks in the middle that someone could see through a little...but if they choose to look thoroughly, they will only find the lights off...an unfortunate choice I make.

The "me" I present is happily alone, on a journey, on my own two feet....but the me that could truly be happy keeps wonderful company, speaks wildly, and loves passionately.

I need to let people back in. Thats what my mother keeps telling me. The last time she saw me, she said she could it in my eyes that I'm losing the ability to be touched, to truly let someone in. She is right. I don't feel.

Except right now.

At this very instance, I literally feel like there is a ball of concentrated energy just waiting to break outside of me. I can feel it shaking my legs as it makes a pursuit to my lungs in the form of a big burst of air just wanting to scream.

AHHHH!

I scream. I smile. I get what it is I need to accomplish personally. I will, eventually. When I can stop living for anything other than myself. When I can get over my fear of being loved by someone other than my family. Eventually I'll truly accept me and refuse to let anyone not accept me so much that I compromise what makes me smile.

I recently congratulated my sister for loving fearlessly...one day I will too.

Cheers my friends,

N.J.

Look up and see the sky.

We live in a world run by a society that I just cannot seem to understand. A man can’t be looked at without being assigned a definition based on what he looks like. A child may never get a chance because their parent couldn’t follow through. A woman cannot love another woman with the support of her fellow human. In one world, we are all so divided; and that I cannot understand.

Call me a dreamer, but I live my life with the idea that we all have the opportunity to seek what makes up happy. If a child wants to grow up and be the greatest basketball player ever, than they can or at least they can try. If a black man wants to be the president of a wonderful nation, than he can. If a man wants to express his love to another man, than he can, just like any other two people can. This is how I live my life and this is how I will teach my children to live theirs.

Many things are difficult to obtain in life; many things are becoming even more difficult to obtain. If money grew on trees, than there is a drought. If love was in the air, than the air supply is demolishing. If someone stumbles across happiness, than by God they deserve it.

Today I was walking down the street in an area where I may have been the only person who knew English well enough to live by it. My mind was crowded so I set out to relieve stress and get some fresh air. I was walking at such a pace my heart began pounding through my chest like a kick drum. My pace grew more intent with my thoughts and all of a sudden a woman caught my eye and smiled at me. As if all of the commotion in my mind hit a wall, I smiled back and, I kid you not, felt as though I could breathe for the first time today.

This changed the avenue that my thought process was taking completely. In an area where poverty is as apparent as traffic in a city, happiness is still available; and that woman and her smile showed me that directly. I started smiling at folks as we passed one another, and sure enough they smiled back. For the first time I noticed something that applies to everyone, not just me in this specific situation.

We all speak different languages in one way or another. Different things make different people happy. We all see the world around us with different perspectives and ideas. We all speak different languages.

No matter how I see things, I will never allow myself to deprive anyone from happiness, because it may be all they have. I will never ask a dog to stop wagging their tale, or ask a happy child to quiet their laughter, I’ll never let a smile go without a return and I will never tell someone their happiness isn’t okay. No matter what language I speak, my smile is universal and I will live by that. No matter how different I am from anyone around me, we both look up and see the sky. I will let that sky be the only limit we have.

I want this world to be a happy place, full of opportunities for everyone, equally.

Share this world.

This morning I woke up to a silent world. My eyes opened before the sun even began to take its stance for the day. It was peaceful and unsettling at the same time. I was unsettled before I was at peace. The steady pace my life has taken has thrown me into a habit of ignoring emotions. I know that before I finish one challenge, the next will have already begun; thus causing me to stand apathetic through many moments. At four in the morning, when there wasn't a thing I could but think, I took a good look at myself; who I've become.


For the first time in months I opened my window and stared out into a motionless world. All of the cars parked on the streets stood completely still, and barely a sound came from the main road down the way. There was no chatter coming from people walking up and down the street. The moon stood tall, dancing in the sky while it cast a light over the world I usually pass by every day without a notice.

I usually rush around so much that I actually forgot I could see mountains right from my apartment.

As time continued to move forward, I got to see something that really got me inspired: I got to see the world wake up. The stillness of my street shattered as folks woke up and began heading to wherever they build their lives each day. Buildings began standing out more as the sun made its way into today. It was like the entire world started swaying along to the music of the birds that began singing.

I thought about my place in the world as I watched so many other people find theirs.

Each of us have a place in the world. Some are more fortunate than others in realizing their place, but there is one for everyone. It all comes down to aspirations, purposes, preferences and mostly perspective. Each person that I saw today, I though about who they love and who loves them; who depends on them; how they feel about how they spend their time. I felt pretty selfish when I realized that I didn't take enough time to think about others anymore. I spend so much time concentrating on myself and my purpose, that I forgot who I share this world with; this life with.

What I'm getting at, if I'm actually getting at anything, is pay attention to people, even complete strangers. If you can spend enough time noticing other people, you'll feel a lot more sure of the fact that you contribute so much to everything. If you spend so much time invested into the thought of what you are missing in the world, you'll lose touch of the actual world around you.

Your purupose is to live in each moment with the best of intentions. What happens in those moments is all just part of you. How you handle what happens in the moments is all up to you. Look for the good in everything, because I promise you it is there.