Friday, May 28, 2010

Happy?

Happy: A book I am reading and a journey I am on. Breath for breath I am experiencing more each day. Each "more" is making me more or less of what I was before. And in the abundance of responsibility and goals to accomplish I try to find time to contemplate exactly what it all means. What about what I do makes me happy? Is it the thought that it will get me to something greater...or is it the idea that I will get discovered, get rich, get loved, or get better? Perhaps its simply the idea that the very people I rely on to love me will love me more...or at all. I know I am loved, so why is that not good enough? Some moments I try to be a greater person by playing my heart strings to create a symphony of tones I am proud of...on weaker days I play a violin to the thoughts of everything I don't have.

I wish I could spend more time filling my table with company I am honored to keep and conversation so wild it never leaves my memory or love so passionate I lose my breath, but I don't; I spend more time cementing a wall in front of me. This wall is intricately built...with just enough cracks in the middle that someone could see through a little...but if they choose to look thoroughly, they will only find the lights off...an unfortunate choice I make.

The "me" I present is happily alone, on a journey, on my own two feet....but the me that could truly be happy keeps wonderful company, speaks wildly, and loves passionately.

I need to let people back in. Thats what my mother keeps telling me. The last time she saw me, she said she could it in my eyes that I'm losing the ability to be touched, to truly let someone in. She is right. I don't feel.

Except right now.

At this very instance, I literally feel like there is a ball of concentrated energy just waiting to break outside of me. I can feel it shaking my legs as it makes a pursuit to my lungs in the form of a big burst of air just wanting to scream.

AHHHH!

I scream. I smile. I get what it is I need to accomplish personally. I will, eventually. When I can stop living for anything other than myself. When I can get over my fear of being loved by someone other than my family. Eventually I'll truly accept me and refuse to let anyone not accept me so much that I compromise what makes me smile.

I recently congratulated my sister for loving fearlessly...one day I will too.

Cheers my friends,

N.J.

6 comments:

Alicia said...

Nice, Nick. To be honest, I'm kinda sad we haven't hung out more recently. This entry kind of states everything I figured you were going through. I really hope you find a way to let love back into your life outside of your family and close friends. I never thought it'd be possible for me, I have always shielded my feelings for other people because no one has ever been able to treat me right, and I am not saying I am in love right now, but I finally met someone that gives me hope that love is real. And it's amazing. It's making me very happy. I love you!!

Snowbrush said...

I don't know. At 61, I've about decided that life is more about the journey than the arrival, whether the goal is a state of growth or a mindset. If your sister can really and truly love without fear, I would be surprised.

Nick James said...

Alicia, thank you :)

Snowbrush, she absolutely does. She is one of those rare people who can do all the cliche things that most cannot. She makes me proud.

Matthew said...

Just poppin' in to say that I'm glad you're writing again, and I hope all has been going well for you Nick.

Also, I was reading your blog from February and when you got to the part about you smiling at all the random people and them smiling back, I had to smile myself. I love doing that to strangers in hopes that they get something out of it.

I miss ya man. Stu and I were talking about moving out that way once we graduate. Who knows? Haha

Keep livin the dream, bud.

Matt Hobson from back in Ole Kent, Ohio.

Anonymous said...

loved it. i quoted you. :)

Queenet said...

Welcome back my dear nephew, it will happen when you least expect it. You are worth loving! Love you, Aunt Elaine