Onward Bound

The dance of Mr. Plant and Mrs. Moon.

2011-02-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

Mr. Plant, I asked, "Do you get cold when the sun goes down and the warm goes away?" Mr. Plant stood there as he usually does and he wiggled his roots and spread his leaves and I know that he was saying "The sun doesn't always shine my friend, but I hold on to the better times when it was here and I use its warmth, even when its not right around me." I get it I thought. I followed up and said Mr. Plant "when you are feeling sad, how do you become happy again?" Mr. Plant stood taller for the moment before he leaned over and brushed a flower near by. Mr. Plant was telling me there is beauty sewn into this entire world, and when it may not be in one direction, change your perspective and you will find it somewhere new. Mr. Plant smiled in his own way and as he did, the wind blew a pile of dead leaves by. I asked "Does it make you sad to see leaves of the past blow by knowing you may not see them again, Mr. Plant?" Mr. Plant shook his own leaves and drew my attention to a little bud. He was telling me that life is full of wonderful moments and fellows, and when I enjoy them, I do so knowing that they will be gone someday. They are the current that becomes the past. Mr. Plant smiled bigger before his next words. "Without the current becoming the past, I would never know all that my branches can hold and I wouldn't realize the possibilities of my future. Cherish every leaf and friend while they are around and never forgot how happy they made you, but when they fall, don't be too fearful to welcome the new."

Mr. Plant looked the other way while the wind continued to blow. Right past his wisdom filled stance, in his happy little pot, I saw Mrs. Moon. She brought life to the night sky, and while the The Man on the Moon danced to the sound of the evening I heard a song she was singing "Even when the sky is night, the stars shine bright. To find their light, you must look upright." The wind grabbed onto Mr. Plant and the two joined the Man on the Moon and danced under the starlit sky. I watched, happily and I knew a lot more than I did before. Life would bring to me many new moments and people, and I should not think about what each person can bring for me, just that I shared a wonderful moment with them, as best as can be.

Mr. Plant and the Sun.

2011-01-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

I sat in the garden this morning and talked to the plants. The sun joined us and it was just warm enough that the surface of my skin tingled in its presence. It was the first time I've talked to a plant, but I did so relentlessly and I let out a lot my thoughts. I said, "Mr. Plant, when does life ever make sense?" He danced in the wind and, although it sounds strange, I saw him smile at me as if to say "Life will never make sense. Just keep growing from the worlds resources, and one day you'll be tall enough and strong enough to withstand the wind."

The sun continued to get closer and I knew for a moment that the world that Mr. Plant was talking about was taking me in and offering me warmth.

I continued on and said "Mr. Plant, how come I'm not feeling happy lately?" Mr. Plant used the wind and bumped into the plant next to him. I got it, I thought. He was telling me that we each stand in our own pot, or on our own plot. We must grow, regardless of how those around us are. Enjoy flourishing together, but don't depend on those around you to flourish. In other words, Mr. Plant was telling me to realize that I need to do what I need to do to be happy, and that anyone who is happy for that can join the rise up.

I closed my eyes and thought for awhile. The wind whispered to me "It'll be okay, just move as I do and land on your feet as best as you can" The sun continued to hold onto me and recited a song...."It may be cold somewhere, but its warm right here. I'll shine for you, don't be scared." I joined Mr. Plant as he danced to the song of the sun and I sighed. Mr Plant took rainy days and used them as an opportunity to grow. I shall do the same. I will take what the wind blows, and I will work it out to benefit myself. I will be happy in my own pot and grow the way I want to grow.

Old.

2011-01-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

Age aside, I wonder what defines "getting older." Tonight I feel older. I feel like I have eyes that have seen enough to know enough about, well, enough. I feel like I hold answers to questions that I had when I was younger, or I'm full of experience enough to guide others that I see. I don't know why, but right now in this moment I feel as though I'm standing on an extremely solid foundation. Obviously a birthday grants you a year older status, but it can't make you older in the sense I'm wondering about. I don't know if there is a moment in time, a deep breath or a wish upon a star that defines or creates this boldness, but at some point to this point it happened, and I feel older.

I see my friends making decisions. Some of them I congratulate, because I feel as though they are going towards a place of realizing their goals. Others I stare at and wonder if they've thought past the action in regard to the reaction it will cause; not only for themselves, but the others around. I see these decisions being made, but not the thought process that creates them. I have to wonder, how often do we think about what we do. I stand fully for living in the moment and jumping off the ledge, but what goes through our minds as we step towards that ledge matters almost as much as what we are diving towards. As I wonder about this, I wonder if perhaps I see things the way I do, because I don't fully understand the situations in which I'm involved in or my friends confide in me about. The end point here is that whichever end of the scenario you stand on, do your best to understand it from several perspectives. I'm doing this; it will cause this to happen for this person; it will cause that to happen for that person. If after consideration you feel that it is right, than shift your weight to the front of your foot, close your eyes and dive. Don't fall, ever: DIVE.

Also with older eyes, I look at relationships. Not about when you are in one, because I know nothing about that; I am talking about what gets you into one. From meeting a person, getting to know a person, growing more fond of person, and whatever else happens that make things more official. For me, I meet a person, and 99% I don't see them past a friendship. 1% of the time, I can sense possibility and I faithfully pursue the person. In that 1% for me, 99% of my actions go unreturned, yet I still continue to pursue. If the person in consideration doesn't follow through once, I plan again. If they don't follow through again, I justify for them; this cycle continues until moments like now, "older moments" happen and I realize I'm too experiences to be made a fool by anyone. Right now this person (whoever they may be at the time) doesn't matter. There words become hollow, there actions become typical and I become uninterested. It is in these moments that I realize my two feet are beyond capable of moving me forward and keeping me sturdy; I need nobody to assist me with this. To the person I counted on, I let you go.

Old or young, we go through a lot. With our friends, with our hearts. We will fall at times, flourish at others...but as long as we learn constantly we will get to moments like I am having tonight. Be young forever, but let your brain feel old every once in awhile.

NB

Direction.

2010-12-06T15:26:00.000-08:00

The general direction of your life, although obviously a constant motion, is never quite clear. Often times one thinks he or she is moving a certain direction, when actually the route they are on is simply a path towards an completely different direction. Sometimes you must head West to eventually go South. The idea here is that rather than spending time determining the direction, spend time discovering how you fit in and interact with what makes the route unique in itself.

Every turn I take, I realize I wasn't where I thought I was. I'm often far ahead of the game, or, during bad times, falling behind. There is great importance in keeping up with the pace of life and accepting it, for we have no great control over where we ultimately end up. There is no clear beginning or ends to situations, because, again, these paths are unpredictable; you never know when you will have to cross already treaded ground to get to a brand new landscape. Don't burn a fire to destroy anywhere you've been.

Accept everything life shows you along your way. It is all beautiful and it is all meaningful.

My modeling page.

2010-10-14T22:28:00.003-07:00

Hey all!

In case you are interested, you can see and follow my upcoming modeling adventures at www.modelmayhem.com/nickybelardo

Let me know what ya'll think! NickJames18@aol.com

NJB

Today I lit a candle.

2010-10-10T23:43:00.001-07:00

I want to be cold with the winter winds blowing so fiercely that I can barely stand it. I want the bottoms of my pants to be soaking wet with evidence that the winter storms have begun, acting as a sign to cling to anything that will keep me warm. That is how I grew up in the midwest. I want to look out the window of my childhood home and see the street covered, knee high in snow, knowing that I'd have to venture through the white blanket to reach any destination.

As cold as it could be outside, home was always warm and welcoming. The bay window peppered with Santa figurines and the latest addition to my mother's snowman decoration collection, always seemed to stand as a symbol to the holiday season. I'd stare at those decorations and couldn't help but notice the constant downfall of snow cover the ground, seemingly giving me a fresh, clean slate to start all over. It was like the world, once again, was painted white and I was offered the opportunity to repaint the scenery.

I want to start all over again. I want to be a little boy crowded around the table with my entire family, immediate and not, laughing and sharing stories. I want the smell of holiday meals to take over the air and the sound of my families chatter to dominate the house.

I'll be home for Christmas. I'll be there to take in every moment, more so than I ever have. I'll be home to share the company of a strong woman, who deserves to be healthy. She's shared every part of her life and now I will stand up as the man she helped me to become and share all that I have to see to it that she has many years to spend with our family.

Today I lit a candle. I did so with the intention of having it burn for all that I've had and all that I want it to remain, and become. I pray for the health of my loved ones. I pray for their opportunities to continue to come in the plenty and their hearts to be fulfilled with love and accomplishment. I pray for their health, their strength and their resilience. I pray for the blood within their veins to continue flowing with loyalty, humility and pride.

To you.

2010-10-03T19:05:00.001-07:00

We all deserve to be happy. Nobody should disagree with that. If you are a human who has felt any ounce of pain or discomfort, you know you don't want to feel it again. It blows my mind that there are people out there that ruthlessly cause those feelings for other people.

The recent string of suicides due to bullying that we've all been hearing about in the news not only break my heart, but really make me mad. It isn't fair. We all live in this world. We entered it the same way as one another, full of life and opportunity. The term growing up shouldn't just include your age, but the way you act. Your first word should be the first step to the many you'll learn and the ways in which you use them. Use your words in a positive way, for the love of God.

Anyone out there who believes that homosexuality is so offensive that they feel the need to hurt another person is absolutely a dense person. I say that point blank and with full belief in it. I don't disagree with the fact that people can disagree, but its how you deal with your differences. I hope that everyone who has bullied or hurt another person with their words can feel that pain one day. Perhaps when they have children who just can't fit in.

To anyone out there who hates other people, I address this to you.

To the person who made another person cry, because what you saw you didn't like. I wish you all the very best that life has to offer. Because that's what I believe. I believe we all deserve to run fast, laugh loud and love fearlessly. One foot in front of the other, just like I move forward, I wish you to move the same. I hope you never feel left out, like you don't have a place in this world. I hope all those hateful words you choose to share, that you produce with no thought or reason, never get thrown back at you. I pray for you, that you never wake up with fear, because you don't know that the room you walk into will have anyone in it that welcomes you. I hope all of this for you.
And I hope your children never feel the wrath of someones hate. I hope they never go home from school and cry themselves to sleep. I hope that they never see "fag" carved into the side of their car, or garbage dumped on top of it. I hope that they have the opportunity to meet someone else and fall in love, with no reservations of doing so.
I wish you the very best, and I wish for you to have the chance to wake up and feel the same way about everyone. Its a big world and people like you make it feel like a shoebox. Closed, small and uncomfortable. Understand, however, that the more you beat something down, the stronger it will become. You may need someone someday that you never thought you would. Treat everyone that way so that when you are dying for a drink of water someone will share with you, because they see your worth. They see all you deserve to accomplish.
We all deserve good things.

I offer this to anyone who cannot help but be mean.

I pray for those who lost their lives because of the pain someone else caused.

And to those who aren't sure they belong, you do. I accept you and a lot of people in this world do. You are a wonderful person, no matter what anyone says. Look in the mirror and see all that you are.

Swiftly passing.

2010-09-26T00:25:00.001-07:00

The autumn has arrived. Only this time, for only the second time in my life leaves aren't changing and the air isn't cooling.

There was always something comforting about the first day out wearing a sweatshirt and seeing how the Fall painted over the images of summer I played in for the past several months. The sounds of the local marching band whispering in my ears always became the soundtrack of the season and surely I knew that with the change of scenery would be a change in my life. Almost like an alarm clock began buzzing away, a part of my soul wakes up during each fall. I see similar things very differently, my attitude towards everything changes and I become an older person.

I was born in the fall. A yellow and orange world welcomed me--a season where families naturally become stronger and celebrations are in the plenty. I often wonder if being a fall baby is the reason I find so many things celebration worthy. Or maybe its the reason I believe in the spirit of a strong family.

Out west, the leaves don't change, people don't paint the town orange and, well, I haven't heard a marching band or watched a football game for the two years I've been gone from Ohio. This is simple enough and, truly, not too hard to deal with. The absence of the symbols I grew up associating with the Fall have faded, but my mind see's things differently. This is my time for a new beginning; a step towards my adult life where I turn old traditions into memories and begin building the traditions I will pass along to my future family. I will never, however, forget all I grew up to know.

September has come and is swiftly passing. I'll always see old Dales Court when I close my eyes; little me dressed up running down the street with my father, eager to catch the school buss. Or the image of leaves piled up in the yard as my mother and I set off to Maple Farms to buy apples and take wagon rides. I remember my first football practice and my first time under Friday night lights. The images are so bittersweet to me.

I look forward to cherishing those moments forever and I look forward to creating my own. September has come and October will pass quickly. This November I will age yet another year, but will always have my young heart.

Everyone deserves love, laughter and the sky as their limit.

2010-09-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

You don't know what the people you know have seen, fought through, cried through, worked so hard to get through...all you know is that they survived and are always getting better. Be a positive influence in peoples lives. There are people who love them dearly and would be heart broken to know that their ...loved one isn't being treated right. Everyone deserves love, laughter and the sky as their limit.

Love something wildly today.

2010-09-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

Just a few quick thoughts for the evening. Consider these following bullet points when dealing with other people.

-Be excited for another person in a genuine way. If someone constantly cheers you on, asks follow up questions in regards to situations in your life or even just encourages you often, do the same for them. They aren't looking for you to, but it feels good to know that the person you root for may be rooting for you too.

-Be consistent. If you are dealing romantically with someone, know what you want and act upon it. If you are sure you are interested in pursuing someone, call them, keep in touch with them, flirt, etc. If you are unsure about the person, tell them you are unsure. It is not proper or polite to make someone fall for you if you don't know that you'll be there to catch them. Return phone calls, MAKE phone calls, listen to them and remember what you hear and always communicate. Most of the time, it is a lot easier to find your way home when you haven't walked too far down the path. Don't walk someone to the middle of the forrest and leave them there.

-Small things count. Throughout your day, no matter how busy you think you are, perform small acts that let your friends or loved ones know that they matter. The very thing that keeps us disconnected in a real way, can be used in a good way to let that special someone know you are thinking about them. Call them, if you have five minutes. Text them, if you have a few minutes. Facebook them, if you have a two minutes. Twitter them, if you have 150 characters worth of time. The social patterns of todays world have made it so easy to communicate in micro ways. Do so, so as to not make the said person feel micro.

-Keep quiet. Your opinions are so important and they validate the fact that you are intelligent enough to think one way or another about something. THIS DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHARE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. If you have a problem with something that is happening and it indirectly affects you, get over it. Put a pillow over your ears, turn up your Ipod, or take a nap. There is too much hate in this world and if every small things causes a reaction of yelling and hate, than this world is off to a terrible place. If something affects you directly, than handle it like an adult. Don't insult, terrorize or bring down another person. Talk it out. Together you and your opposer can reach a mature disagreement.

-Stay positive. Your life isn't bad, trust me. It isn't. We are in America where its hard to have a bad life. If you are sleeping, peeing and eating on a park bench, move on to the next bullet point. Smile at a stranger, it really will change your fate. Look at the bright side, which is often easier than you think. Laugh at life's ironies. If you think people are stupid, you are stupid too, trust me...we all are.

-Put your phone down. Enjoy the company of those around you. Make a habit of turning of your phone when you are spending time with someone. If everyone is like me, they will want to punch you when they stare at the back of your stupid phone all night. This applies to certain settings, such as dates, or one on one dinners at a less than fast-food vibe sort of restaurant.

-Control your children. If you manage to make a Taco Bell look terribly worst because your children are running about out of control, then fix the problem. Discipline will lead to the many wonderful things, including an early understanding of the great points featured in this post.

Love something wildly today. In other words, harvest passion. Put your heart and soul into something. Whether it be your work, your love or your hobbies-- do something so intensely that it becomes a SOLE representation of your soul. Leave your mark on something so solidly that you will know, that no matter what, you've created something unique to yourself. Nobody can take that from you. Love something wildly today. Everyday.

NB

Quick thoughts.

2010-09-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

I understand more everyday, the power of working hard to get what you want. Its not all fate...its more so a mix of hope, which is belief that it can happen, and the actions you put behind it all to make it happen.

The view out my window.

2010-07-19T12:08:00.001-07:00

Right now I am sitting on my bed, staring out the window. The temperature of the air as it inflates my lungs strikes me as familiar. Suddenly I'm a child again, staring out the window of the bedroom I grew up in. The familiar scenes of the cul-de-sac where I grew up became vivid. I saw myself playing catch with my father, learning to ride my bike, running around with my siblings as they dribbled a soccer ball or played street hockey with the other neighborhood kids. The air that inflated my lungs as I swung with my mother on the front yard swing is just like the air that I am inhaling right now.

I taste the foods of my childhood too. My grandmothers pasta dish that she cooked whenever occasion allowed. My mothers staple dishes that she so often prepared. I taste chocolate milkshakes sipped out of blue straws that my great grandmother served every summer afternoon I spent exploring the world of her home.

Today I'm looking back and livng every moment from there to now as best I can. I'd do anything to relive those moments. To hear my father speak to me like a child again, singing his famous "I love your little feet" song. Or to have my mother sit with me on the couch and rub my back as I tried to convince her of all my crazy ideas. I want to dance in the living room with my older sister, or "fight" in the yard with my brother and I want to spend my summer working my first job with my youngest sister again. I'd love to sit and hear the comedy of my gradmother as she joked about life in her recliner. I want the familiar banter of family friends crowded around the kitchen table playing poker and laughing relentlessly. I want all of those moments back again so I can truly understand what they meant and how amazing they were. I want to go back and have every conversation again and appreciate what everyone was saying, the ideas they were teaching me. I want to never have raised my voice to my folks or disrespected them in anyway. I wish I made no excuses and visited my grandparents more.

I want the smells, tatstes and sounds of my childhood back. Because the view out my window today isn't comfort, it isn't home. Here I sit today, moved so far forward but I cannot look anywhere but back.

I wear watches with no batteries in them, because I find it hard to carry the reminder of time with me. Because I've had some amazing moments in time, but I can never have them back.

Fireworks.

2010-07-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of how fortunate my life on this planet is. It hit me on a hot Arizona night, in a truck bed watching fireworks, surrounded by people I love. As we all shared each other’s company and the view of Fourth of July fireworks blasting over the pitch black silhouettes of the mountains, I looked around and couldn’t help but cherish the memory being made, and all of the memories made before this perfect night. Perhaps it was the still of the night, or the absence of Los Angeles’s sky rises, but everything that is good was clear to me for the first time, in quite some time. Every deadline, headline, responsibility, place to be , time restriction, feeling of rejection, feeling of stress, and the list goes on and on ,disappeared; standing where all of the negativity was, was the blatant truth of life’s big secret. Give love, receive love and cherish the moments with those you share love with. A true mark of success is not solely the amount of recognition you receive, or the big paycheck you earn; success is letting people in who support you, love you and are enthused by every step you take towards where you want to be.

I have the best support system in the world. On my crazy adventure, I have had some of the most amazing people by my side through every action. What was truly remarkable about this specific weekend was the fact that I had, in one place, key individuals from each chapter of my life. An Individual who witnessed the day I was born, individuals who shared my life through middle school, high school, college and now my first steps into the real world, and an individual who joined the ride upon my arrival in Los Angeles. Standing in one place, it felt as though the ghost of life’s past and present came together to tell me that the future will be comprised of incredible moments and genuine happiness. I have faith in knowing that however they are connected, or why doesn’t matter. What matters most to me now is in these moments recognizing who loves me and who I love. I have just as many letters in a pile on my counter as a do bills, I have just as many struggles as I do triumphs and I have so much more ambition than fear…and through it all I have the biggest forces on my side: My family and my closest friends

And like fireworks, you are all a booming part of my life. No matter how dark the sky may be or how loud life can get, your presence will always dominate who I am with beauty and color.

I address this to you.

Thank you for pushing me, catching me, guiding me, letting me get lost, and being there for me with open arms when I come back from being lost. If ever I am down or stuck with muddle, I will always think of you and become the best version of my past and present and will meet you in the future with gratitude and love.

Direction.

2010-06-17T16:20:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you have a direction in mind; an idea about where your life is going. You see this direction and you can see yourself following it. Then suddenly it strikes you that every turn, even wrong ones are some sense of direction. No matter which way you turn; left, right, right, wrong, you will end up facing the fact that you will experience something that will teach you something and guide you somewhere.

I encourage everyone to have goals. Not a mystery of life. With a place to go, we are more likely to move towards somewhere. By moving somewhere, we never settle in acceptance of where we naturally are. It is a beautiful part of life. The idea that we can be somewhere pre-determined for us and with a little bit of elbow grease and a whole lot of hope we can alter it and become somewhere where we truly can find happiness.

Don't be afraid to take an alternate route. A dream is a destination. The journey to the dream will never be solidified. Embrace where life takes you, move forward with passion, with your dream in mind. Any movement at all, is something to be appreciated.

N.B

Happy?

2010-05-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

Happy: A book I am reading and a journey I am on. Breath for breath I am experiencing more each day. Each "more" is making me more or less of what I was before. And in the abundance of responsibility and goals to accomplish I try to find time to contemplate exactly what it all means. What about what I do makes me happy? Is it the thought that it will get me to something greater...or is it the idea that I will get discovered, get rich, get loved, or get better? Perhaps its simply the idea that the very people I rely on to love me will love me more...or at all. I know I am loved, so why is that not good enough? Some moments I try to be a greater person by playing my heart strings to create a symphony of tones I am proud of...on weaker days I play a violin to the thoughts of everything I don't have.

I wish I could spend more time filling my table with company I am honored to keep and conversation so wild it never leaves my memory or love so passionate I lose my breath, but I don't; I spend more time cementing a wall in front of me. This wall is intricately built...with just enough cracks in the middle that someone could see through a little...but if they choose to look thoroughly, they will only find the lights off...an unfortunate choice I make.

The "me" I present is happily alone, on a journey, on my own two feet....but the me that could truly be happy keeps wonderful company, speaks wildly, and loves passionately.

I need to let people back in. Thats what my mother keeps telling me. The last time she saw me, she said she could it in my eyes that I'm losing the ability to be touched, to truly let someone in. She is right. I don't feel.

Except right now.

At this very instance, I literally feel like there is a ball of concentrated energy just waiting to break outside of me. I can feel it shaking my legs as it makes a pursuit to my lungs in the form of a big burst of air just wanting to scream.

AHHHH!

I scream. I smile. I get what it is I need to accomplish personally. I will, eventually. When I can stop living for anything other than myself. When I can get over my fear of being loved by someone other than my family. Eventually I'll truly accept me and refuse to let anyone not accept me so much that I compromise what makes me smile.

I recently congratulated my sister for loving fearlessly...one day I will too.

Cheers my friends,

N.J.

Look up and see the sky.

2010-02-01T15:35:00.000-08:00

We live in a world run by a society that I just cannot seem to understand. A man can’t be looked at without being assigned a definition based on what he looks like. A child may never get a chance because their parent couldn’t follow through. A woman cannot love another woman with the support of her fellow human. In one world, we are all so divided; and that I cannot understand.

Call me a dreamer, but I live my life with the idea that we all have the opportunity to seek what makes up happy. If a child wants to grow up and be the greatest basketball player ever, than they can or at least they can try. If a black man wants to be the president of a wonderful nation, than he can. If a man wants to express his love to another man, than he can, just like any other two people can. This is how I live my life and this is how I will teach my children to live theirs.

Many things are difficult to obtain in life; many things are becoming even more difficult to obtain. If money grew on trees, than there is a drought. If love was in the air, than the air supply is demolishing. If someone stumbles across happiness, than by God they deserve it.

Today I was walking down the street in an area where I may have been the only person who knew English well enough to live by it. My mind was crowded so I set out to relieve stress and get some fresh air. I was walking at such a pace my heart began pounding through my chest like a kick drum. My pace grew more intent with my thoughts and all of a sudden a woman caught my eye and smiled at me. As if all of the commotion in my mind hit a wall, I smiled back and, I kid you not, felt as though I could breathe for the first time today.

This changed the avenue that my thought process was taking completely. In an area where poverty is as apparent as traffic in a city, happiness is still available; and that woman and her smile showed me that directly. I started smiling at folks as we passed one another, and sure enough they smiled back. For the first time I noticed something that applies to everyone, not just me in this specific situation.

We all speak different languages in one way or another. Different things make different people happy. We all see the world around us with different perspectives and ideas. We all speak different languages.

No matter how I see things, I will never allow myself to deprive anyone from happiness, because it may be all they have. I will never ask a dog to stop wagging their tale, or ask a happy child to quiet their laughter, I’ll never let a smile go without a return and I will never tell someone their happiness isn’t okay. No matter what language I speak, my smile is universal and I will live by that. No matter how different I am from anyone around me, we both look up and see the sky. I will let that sky be the only limit we have.

I want this world to be a happy place, full of opportunities for everyone, equally.

Share this world.

2010-01-27T13:15:00.001-08:00

This morning I woke up to a silent world. My eyes opened before the sun even began to take its stance for the day. It was peaceful and unsettling at the same time. I was unsettled before I was at peace. The steady pace my life has taken has thrown me into a habit of ignoring emotions. I know that before I finish one challenge, the next will have already begun; thus causing me to stand apathetic through many moments. At four in the morning, when there wasn't a thing I could but think, I took a good look at myself; who I've become.

For the first time in months I opened my window and stared out into a motionless world. All of the cars parked on the streets stood completely still, and barely a sound came from the main road down the way. There was no chatter coming from people walking up and down the street. The moon stood tall, dancing in the sky while it cast a light over the world I usually pass by every day without a notice.

I usually rush around so much that I actually forgot I could see mountains right from my apartment.

As time continued to move forward, I got to see something that really got me inspired: I got to see the world wake up. The stillness of my street shattered as folks woke up and began heading to wherever they build their lives each day. Buildings began standing out more as the sun made its way into today. It was like the entire world started swaying along to the music of the birds that began singing.

I thought about my place in the world as I watched so many other people find theirs.

Each of us have a place in the world. Some are more fortunate than others in realizing their place, but there is one for everyone. It all comes down to aspirations, purposes, preferences and mostly perspective. Each person that I saw today, I though about who they love and who loves them; who depends on them; how they feel about how they spend their time. I felt pretty selfish when I realized that I didn't take enough time to think about others anymore. I spend so much time concentrating on myself and my purpose, that I forgot who I share this world with; this life with.

What I'm getting at, if I'm actually getting at anything, is pay attention to people, even complete strangers. If you can spend enough time noticing other people, you'll feel a lot more sure of the fact that you contribute so much to everything. If you spend so much time invested into the thought of what you are missing in the world, you'll lose touch of the actual world around you.

Your purupose is to live in each moment with the best of intentions. What happens in those moments is all just part of you. How you handle what happens in the moments is all up to you. Look for the good in everything, because I promise you it is there.

Inside.

2009-12-27T20:00:00.001-08:00

I love challenge, and I know I can dance in the rain...but sometimes it is much warmer inside...home is the inside.

Day one.

2009-12-22T22:10:00.001-08:00

I seem to find my thoughts in jagged motions. They are always there, however, sometimes they are out of my reach. At times, they are very much in my reach. I feel as though I am pretty in tune with who I am, but like every rose has a thorn, every thought has a point. Lately, in the midst of life, I have been having trouble translating these thoughts, or I end up blown away at the meanings I do understand.

Onward bound started off as a place for me to share my experiences in life and if I was lucky enough, someone, one of you, would take something positive from it. I am the sort of person that has to keep things on a schedule, or on even time. I am taking this blog back to where it started. January first. January first of last year, I didn't know who I was. I was on a journey to figure all of that out. One year later (or almost one year later) I am going to appreciate that bliss, and again begin a new journey. I am going to take on LA, with new perspective. Using my new knowledge and understandings, I am going to take day 365 and call it day one. I am going to be new to the city, new to it all...and with a new style of writing and new perspective, I am going to, once again, write about my findings, my life, my journey, my pursuit.

Nick James.

Dear Soldier.

2009-11-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Soldier,
You dedicated your life in order to make my life simple. You spend your time in fear all so I can feel safe when I sleep at night. You raise your gun so that I can experience peace in my days. You stand united so this country can strive.

You made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure that this nation can prosper as a land of opportunity and happiness. You did that. You did that for all of us; your family, friends and millions of complete strangers. I speak for many others when I say, I appreciate your service and will never forgot, or look beyond what you do. Whether you have served, are serving or will serve, you are the reason America stands.

In the time to come, I send my prayers and best of intentions. I will work extremely hard to be the best person I can be, because you make the mold of humanity. You serve with compassion, passion and dedication and for that I respect you entirely.

Thank you again.

A pebble, or a rock.

2009-11-07T23:55:00.000-08:00

Compassion. There isn't much I can write that would truly satisfy my interest in this word and its meaning. If you have compassion in everything you do, you will find no trouble in helping others. My father tells me on many occasions..."Nick, its all about the little things we can do that help." The little things add up, and though they may pale in comparison towards what others can accomplish...realize that noone is comparing. Whether you throw a pebble, or a rock...your efforts will be realized.

I am very interested in starting a non-profit, do any of OB's readers know anything about how to begin this journey?

N.B.

Love is...

2009-11-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

We wait for it. We wait for it to knock us off of our feet; love is a many splendid thing. We sing about it, write about it, dream about it and live for it. We tell each other, "I love you" when things are happy, scary, sad, etc. Love is the ultimate healing agent when bliss becomes skewed, it is the boundary breaker when happiness is already reached.

I've closed my mind to love for the past year. I laughed in anyone's face if they even tried bringing a "gushy" story up to me. I planted my feet so deep into cement that I knew that I wouldn't fall back into, the self titled, "trap."

As the year grew older, I would notice moments of weakness, more often. I'd have nights where I would want nothing more than to be in that safe feeling place, with the ideal person. I assume it is because I grow more sentimental in the fall and winter months, but lately I am so ready for it. I want to be that split second of an unrealized smile for someone as they see me walk in the room. I want to be the one they call with an amazing story. I would happily be the shoulder they cry on. Love is a many splendid thing.

I had a dream.

I was laying in my bed, it was late. My open book was face down on the bed beside me as I stared at the ceiling. I could feel that something was wrong. Not necessarily, horribly wrong...I just wasn't content in this particular moment. I was seemingly calm, perhaps lulled by the sound of cars zipping past the street outside my home. My focus was clearly anywhere but on the book beside me, and not too committed to the sound of vehicles either. I just talked to the ceiling. My focus broke, however, when I heard the front door open, and footsteps approach. I closed my eyes to pretend to sleep and my heart started pounding. I instantly got those butterflies; the ones that begin in your palms and run through your entire body. I heard footsteps and realized that you were walking around the house, our home, taking care of something. I kept my eyes closed, for some reason...I just remember they would not open; not until I heard your voice. You walked in, in your flannel pajamas and glasses. You immediately smiled, I smiled back at you. My heart kept pounding, but I realized it wasn't fear or uncertainty. It was the pure fact that I was at my house, but I wasn't home until you were with me. It was real, it was simple, it was love.

I get it, atleast for today.

Love on my friends, love on.

N.J.

I don't need any loop-ti-loops.

2009-10-25T01:38:00.000-07:00

I want to wake up, look outside my window and see snow erasing all of the familiar surroundings of my neighborhood. I know it is cold out there, but I’m warm and comfortable inside my home; not necessarily because the heater is blowing, but more so because I’m surrounded by the love of home. After gazing in amazement, with a gut filled with excitement I want to take the familiar walk downstairs. When I reach that thirteenth step, I will close my eyes and breathe in the wonderful smells of the holidays. At this particular point in the morning, I am brought to ease as the smell of pine and coffee accumulate in the air. Although it is light out, even brighter because of the snow, the Christmas lights will be blinking on the tree, as if they were dancing to the Christmas music dad has playing in the background. I look over at the couch that Nana used to sleep on when she spent Christmas with us; I am sad, but feel at ease when I feel the love she is sending from Heaven. I take a step to move towards the festivities, but a cold chill takes over my body as I step in a puddle of water, from snow melting off of the shoes in the hallway. I move forward through the living room and right towards the French doors leading into my kitchen. Mom is sipping at her coffee, still in her night gown as she mentally brainstorms the menu for later that evening. Dad is half asleep on the couch listening to the pleasant hum of Christmas music echoing through the house. I instantly grow more cheerful and sing along to the timeless music and fill up my cup of coffee. I notice, though, that for the first time I walked right passed the presents scattered under the tree. While they used to be the pivotal part of my holiday happiness, they now take the back burner. The excitement I feel is the energy in the air, as I know my siblings will be driving over soon and we will all be together like we used to be. Most likely late, everyone begins showing up and we are finally together, safe from the weather, spending Christmas in the best of fashion: Together. We all laugh as Dad mimics the voices of Alvin and the Chipmunks, as he has been doing ever since I could remember. Mom eagerly tries to get us to open our presents, just to see if we like everything she picks out. The presents are the last things on our minds. I can speak for myself when I say that I feel complete just being there as one unit again; the six of us, our personalities, our admiration for one another completes the emptiness that I may have been feeling. Flashbacks of being little continue playing in my mind as Alvin sings about loop-ti-loops. I stand up, in the middle of this comfort, and walk towards the Christmas tree. Dad’s impressive ornament collection still amuses me like it has since I was five. I will turn around, see my family and feel sad at how much change has happened over the years. It isn’t that we love each other less; it is just that we love each other differently, from a distance. My brother cracks a joke and I immediately return to the joy I will feel on this Christmas morning. I sit in between my sisters and we all laugh.

Dear Santa,
That is all I want for Christmas this year.

Creative Spirit.

2009-10-06T22:46:00.001-07:00

If you look closely into the eyes of an individual that sparks any of your creative spirit, you will certainly find a unique connection. I stand tall on the fact that I create and share positive energy and a creative spirit; therefore I search for same qualified people.

As you go about your day to day life, take time to find those who inspire you. When you come across these individuals don't just pass them by. Share with them, and they will share with you.

The Line of Neutrality

2009-10-06T03:00:00.000-07:00

For those of you have been reading Onward Bound, you are sure to know my theory on expectations. I am constantly bringing you through the literary version of my experiences and I always seem to begin them with “NO EXPECTATIONS.” This motto seems simple on the surface, but it has become a less than shallow mentality that I have harvested into a way of life. A way of life I call ‘The Line of Neutrality.’

In order to begin understanding this way of life, you must take time to truly reflect on the way you begin your endeavors. Do you jump in head first? Do you paint the picture of the outcome in your mind? Do you assume you will fail? Any of the above pre-determined ideas go against neutrality. To be neutral you have to understand that every trial has an outcome. The outcome, no matter how you slice or dice it, plays out as the good or the bad. However, part of the process is understanding that good can be GREAT and bad isn’t that bad. To help you understand I will describe a scenario in my life and I will specifically apply ‘The Line of Neutrality.”

Onward Bound is a blog that was birthed upon my departure from Ohio to pursue my dreams in California. The simple idea is that I would move to Los Angeles, go on auditions and get discovered…or I wouldn’t. One is good, the other is bad. To avoid this “one or the other” outcome, I drew a line of neutrality right across reality. On the line was open mindedness; in other words NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I WILL LEARN SO MUCH, SEE SO MUCH AND GROW SO MUCH. Above the line is GET DISCOVERED AND LIVE YOUR DREAMS. Below the line is COMPLETELY FAIL. From bottom to top, here are my ideals. I don’t believe in anything that happens below the line. Failure isn’t real if you stand neutral. Above the line isn’t good, it is great…it is what you aimed for. On the line is the neutral standpoint, which if you apply correctly, is good. Find the silver lining if you can’t find the gold.

Once the line of neutrality is drawn, you essentially have your line of expectations. If you leave your expectations on the line the following will always hold true. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE MORE THAN YOU EXPECTED OR YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A NEGATIVE OUTCOME.

This is a mindset, understand. You have the truly put the effort into EVERY situations when trying to apply “The Line.” It has been two years and I am just starting to get the hang of it. I am happy 95% of the time, a quality I credit to ‘The Line of Neutrality.’ If any readers plan on adopting this mindset, I would be elated to hear about your trials. Keep me in the loop!

Always walk the line,
N.J.