Today I lost my mind.
These moments don't come often for me- I am generally constantly smiling- but when these moments come, their presence is as sure as the sun is hot. My mind goes into a strange state where I don't filter what I say, nor do I control it. Everything in the world around me, which I usually admire so much, turns violent. I don't like moments like these, especially because I don't like to break. I plan on building a career where I can uplift others through positivity, kindness and true passion for what I do. When I break, I feel as though I take ten steps backwards. I suppose it is okay for me to be human, every once in awhile.
However an emotional day, it actually began quite simply. I worked an event; a graduation ceremony for a fifth grade class. This sounds simple, but it pushed me into a mode of reflection. Not only did I become passionate at the idea of these young children (not necessarily from the most economically strong families) get the opportunity to become something, but I also had a moment where I realized how truly blessed I am.
In short, I was a pain when it came to my early years of school. I rested on the fact that I had ADHD, often using it as an excuse to not attend class or do homework. I goofed off at school, and ultimately hindered my ability to meet any potential that I had. As impossible as I made my educational career, my parents, especially my father, never gave up on me. He had frequent meetings with school administration, he spent his free time studying with me and he never once allowed me to feel that I was anything less than intelligent. I don't like to admit these things, but a tear actually rolled down my face. I dialed my dad and had to thank him, because for the first time, like a bag of bricks hit me in my face, I realized how lucky I am to have such an incredible person believe in me. I like to think that after I grew up a little, from high school on, that I proved my younger self to be a phase of laziness. I am actually quite proud at my mental capacity.
Along with this huge flush of gratefulness, I couldn't stop thinking about refrigerated cake. This sounds so silly, but it brings back some of my favorite memories. Whenever there was a family party, or any party, my mother (a fan of desert) would wrap cake and stick it in the fridge. For the days to follow, her and I would wake up, drink coffee and attack the cake as though it were are only options. Some of the best conversations happened during this informal breakfast. I painstakingly realized that as long as I am here in Los Angeles, or anywhere away from home, I will not have those moments to share again.
I don't know if it because I am growing up, or because I have less now, but simple things like coffee and cake touch my heart and move me entirely.
I've declared myself a musician now. I want to avidly pursue, what I consider to be, my number one passion. Regardless of anyone's opinions- which I so often let affect me- I never give up my belief in my song. I love to write music and I love to sing. I look forward to my time in the studio and put together a representation of the music I plan to make for the rest of my life.
Today was a day of nostalgia, frustration and growth. I am reading a book right now, a brilliant book, and it his really teaching me to be things into perspective. I can't recommend the book yet, because I want my sister Jamie to receive my copy before she goes and buys her own.
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I do not have footsteps
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