Happy?

Happy: A book I am reading and a journey I am on. Breath for breath I am experiencing more each day. Each "more" is making me more or less of what I was before. And in the abundance of responsibility and goals to accomplish I try to find time to contemplate exactly what it all means. What about what I do makes me happy? Is it the thought that it will get me to something greater...or is it the idea that I will get discovered, get rich, get loved, or get better? Perhaps its simply the idea that the very people I rely on to love me will love me more...or at all. I know I am loved, so why is that not good enough? Some moments I try to be a greater person by playing my heart strings to create a symphony of tones I am proud of...on weaker days I play a violin to the thoughts of everything I don't have.

I wish I could spend more time filling my table with company I am honored to keep and conversation so wild it never leaves my memory or love so passionate I lose my breath, but I don't; I spend more time cementing a wall in front of me. This wall is intricately built...with just enough cracks in the middle that someone could see through a little...but if they choose to look thoroughly, they will only find the lights off...an unfortunate choice I make.

The "me" I present is happily alone, on a journey, on my own two feet....but the me that could truly be happy keeps wonderful company, speaks wildly, and loves passionately.

I need to let people back in. Thats what my mother keeps telling me. The last time she saw me, she said she could it in my eyes that I'm losing the ability to be touched, to truly let someone in. She is right. I don't feel.

Except right now.

At this very instance, I literally feel like there is a ball of concentrated energy just waiting to break outside of me. I can feel it shaking my legs as it makes a pursuit to my lungs in the form of a big burst of air just wanting to scream.

AHHHH!

I scream. I smile. I get what it is I need to accomplish personally. I will, eventually. When I can stop living for anything other than myself. When I can get over my fear of being loved by someone other than my family. Eventually I'll truly accept me and refuse to let anyone not accept me so much that I compromise what makes me smile.

I recently congratulated my sister for loving fearlessly...one day I will too.

Cheers my friends,

N.J.

Look up and see the sky.

We live in a world run by a society that I just cannot seem to understand. A man can’t be looked at without being assigned a definition based on what he looks like. A child may never get a chance because their parent couldn’t follow through. A woman cannot love another woman with the support of her fellow human. In one world, we are all so divided; and that I cannot understand.

Call me a dreamer, but I live my life with the idea that we all have the opportunity to seek what makes up happy. If a child wants to grow up and be the greatest basketball player ever, than they can or at least they can try. If a black man wants to be the president of a wonderful nation, than he can. If a man wants to express his love to another man, than he can, just like any other two people can. This is how I live my life and this is how I will teach my children to live theirs.

Many things are difficult to obtain in life; many things are becoming even more difficult to obtain. If money grew on trees, than there is a drought. If love was in the air, than the air supply is demolishing. If someone stumbles across happiness, than by God they deserve it.

Today I was walking down the street in an area where I may have been the only person who knew English well enough to live by it. My mind was crowded so I set out to relieve stress and get some fresh air. I was walking at such a pace my heart began pounding through my chest like a kick drum. My pace grew more intent with my thoughts and all of a sudden a woman caught my eye and smiled at me. As if all of the commotion in my mind hit a wall, I smiled back and, I kid you not, felt as though I could breathe for the first time today.

This changed the avenue that my thought process was taking completely. In an area where poverty is as apparent as traffic in a city, happiness is still available; and that woman and her smile showed me that directly. I started smiling at folks as we passed one another, and sure enough they smiled back. For the first time I noticed something that applies to everyone, not just me in this specific situation.

We all speak different languages in one way or another. Different things make different people happy. We all see the world around us with different perspectives and ideas. We all speak different languages.

No matter how I see things, I will never allow myself to deprive anyone from happiness, because it may be all they have. I will never ask a dog to stop wagging their tale, or ask a happy child to quiet their laughter, I’ll never let a smile go without a return and I will never tell someone their happiness isn’t okay. No matter what language I speak, my smile is universal and I will live by that. No matter how different I am from anyone around me, we both look up and see the sky. I will let that sky be the only limit we have.

I want this world to be a happy place, full of opportunities for everyone, equally.

Share this world.

This morning I woke up to a silent world. My eyes opened before the sun even began to take its stance for the day. It was peaceful and unsettling at the same time. I was unsettled before I was at peace. The steady pace my life has taken has thrown me into a habit of ignoring emotions. I know that before I finish one challenge, the next will have already begun; thus causing me to stand apathetic through many moments. At four in the morning, when there wasn't a thing I could but think, I took a good look at myself; who I've become.


For the first time in months I opened my window and stared out into a motionless world. All of the cars parked on the streets stood completely still, and barely a sound came from the main road down the way. There was no chatter coming from people walking up and down the street. The moon stood tall, dancing in the sky while it cast a light over the world I usually pass by every day without a notice.

I usually rush around so much that I actually forgot I could see mountains right from my apartment.

As time continued to move forward, I got to see something that really got me inspired: I got to see the world wake up. The stillness of my street shattered as folks woke up and began heading to wherever they build their lives each day. Buildings began standing out more as the sun made its way into today. It was like the entire world started swaying along to the music of the birds that began singing.

I thought about my place in the world as I watched so many other people find theirs.

Each of us have a place in the world. Some are more fortunate than others in realizing their place, but there is one for everyone. It all comes down to aspirations, purposes, preferences and mostly perspective. Each person that I saw today, I though about who they love and who loves them; who depends on them; how they feel about how they spend their time. I felt pretty selfish when I realized that I didn't take enough time to think about others anymore. I spend so much time concentrating on myself and my purpose, that I forgot who I share this world with; this life with.

What I'm getting at, if I'm actually getting at anything, is pay attention to people, even complete strangers. If you can spend enough time noticing other people, you'll feel a lot more sure of the fact that you contribute so much to everything. If you spend so much time invested into the thought of what you are missing in the world, you'll lose touch of the actual world around you.

Your purupose is to live in each moment with the best of intentions. What happens in those moments is all just part of you. How you handle what happens in the moments is all up to you. Look for the good in everything, because I promise you it is there.

Inside.

I love challenge, and I know I can dance in the rain...but sometimes it is much warmer inside...home is the inside.

Day one.

I seem to find my thoughts in jagged motions. They are always there, however, sometimes they are out of my reach. At times, they are very much in my reach. I feel as though I am pretty in tune with who I am, but like every rose has a thorn, every thought has a point. Lately, in the midst of life, I have been having trouble translating these thoughts, or I end up blown away at the meanings I do understand.

Onward bound started off as a place for me to share my experiences in life and if I was lucky enough, someone, one of you, would take something positive from it. I am the sort of person that has to keep things on a schedule, or on even time. I am taking this blog back to where it started. January first. January first of last year, I didn't know who I was. I was on a journey to figure all of that out. One year later (or almost one year later) I am going to appreciate that bliss, and again begin a new journey. I am going to take on LA, with new perspective. Using my new knowledge and understandings, I am going to take day 365 and call it day one. I am going to be new to the city, new to it all...and with a new style of writing and new perspective, I am going to, once again, write about my findings, my life, my journey, my pursuit.

Nick James.

Dear Soldier.

Dear Soldier,
You dedicated your life in order to make my life simple. You spend your time in fear all so I can feel safe when I sleep at night. You raise your gun so that I can experience peace in my days. You stand united so this country can strive.

You made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure that this nation can prosper as a land of opportunity and happiness. You did that. You did that for all of us; your family, friends and millions of complete strangers. I speak for many others when I say, I appreciate your service and will never forgot, or look beyond what you do. Whether you have served, are serving or will serve, you are the reason America stands.

In the time to come, I send my prayers and best of intentions. I will work extremely hard to be the best person I can be, because you make the mold of humanity. You serve with compassion, passion and dedication and for that I respect you entirely.

Thank you again.

A pebble, or a rock.

Compassion. There isn't much I can write that would truly satisfy my interest in this word and its meaning. If you have compassion in everything you do, you will find no trouble in helping others. My father tells me on many occasions..."Nick, its all about the little things we can do that help." The little things add up, and though they may pale in comparison towards what others can accomplish...realize that noone is comparing. Whether you throw a pebble, or a rock...your efforts will be realized.

I am very interested in starting a non-profit, do any of OB's readers know anything about how to begin this journey?

N.B.