Age aside, I wonder what defines "getting older." Tonight I feel older. I feel like I have eyes that have seen enough to know enough about, well, enough. I feel like I hold answers to questions that I had when I was younger, or I'm full of experience enough to guide others that I see. I don't know why, but right now in this moment I feel as though I'm standing on an extremely solid foundation. Obviously a birthday grants you a year older status, but it can't make you older in the sense I'm wondering about. I don't know if there is a moment in time, a deep breath or a wish upon a star that defines or creates this boldness, but at some point to this point it happened, and I feel older.
I see my friends making decisions. Some of them I congratulate, because I feel as though they are going towards a place of realizing their goals. Others I stare at and wonder if they've thought past the action in regard to the reaction it will cause; not only for themselves, but the others around. I see these decisions being made, but not the thought process that creates them. I have to wonder, how often do we think about what we do. I stand fully for living in the moment and jumping off the ledge, but what goes through our minds as we step towards that ledge matters almost as much as what we are diving towards. As I wonder about this, I wonder if perhaps I see things the way I do, because I don't fully understand the situations in which I'm involved in or my friends confide in me about. The end point here is that whichever end of the scenario you stand on, do your best to understand it from several perspectives. I'm doing this; it will cause this to happen for this person; it will cause that to happen for that person. If after consideration you feel that it is right, than shift your weight to the front of your foot, close your eyes and dive. Don't fall, ever: DIVE.
Also with older eyes, I look at relationships. Not about when you are in one, because I know nothing about that; I am talking about what gets you into one. From meeting a person, getting to know a person, growing more fond of person, and whatever else happens that make things more official. For me, I meet a person, and 99% I don't see them past a friendship. 1% of the time, I can sense possibility and I faithfully pursue the person. In that 1% for me, 99% of my actions go unreturned, yet I still continue to pursue. If the person in consideration doesn't follow through once, I plan again. If they don't follow through again, I justify for them; this cycle continues until moments like now, "older moments" happen and I realize I'm too experiences to be made a fool by anyone. Right now this person (whoever they may be at the time) doesn't matter. There words become hollow, there actions become typical and I become uninterested. It is in these moments that I realize my two feet are beyond capable of moving me forward and keeping me sturdy; I need nobody to assist me with this. To the person I counted on, I let you go.
Old or young, we go through a lot. With our friends, with our hearts. We will fall at times, flourish at others...but as long as we learn constantly we will get to moments like I am having tonight. Be young forever, but let your brain feel old every once in awhile.
Quoted. Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing
5 weeks ago