Happy?

Happy: A book I am reading and a journey I am on. Breath for breath I am experiencing more each day. Each "more" is making me more or less of what I was before. And in the abundance of responsibility and goals to accomplish I try to find time to contemplate exactly what it all means. What about what I do makes me happy? Is it the thought that it will get me to something greater...or is it the idea that I will get discovered, get rich, get loved, or get better? Perhaps its simply the idea that the very people I rely on to love me will love me more...or at all. I know I am loved, so why is that not good enough? Some moments I try to be a greater person by playing my heart strings to create a symphony of tones I am proud of...on weaker days I play a violin to the thoughts of everything I don't have.

I wish I could spend more time filling my table with company I am honored to keep and conversation so wild it never leaves my memory or love so passionate I lose my breath, but I don't; I spend more time cementing a wall in front of me. This wall is intricately built...with just enough cracks in the middle that someone could see through a little...but if they choose to look thoroughly, they will only find the lights off...an unfortunate choice I make.

The "me" I present is happily alone, on a journey, on my own two feet....but the me that could truly be happy keeps wonderful company, speaks wildly, and loves passionately.

I need to let people back in. Thats what my mother keeps telling me. The last time she saw me, she said she could it in my eyes that I'm losing the ability to be touched, to truly let someone in. She is right. I don't feel.

Except right now.

At this very instance, I literally feel like there is a ball of concentrated energy just waiting to break outside of me. I can feel it shaking my legs as it makes a pursuit to my lungs in the form of a big burst of air just wanting to scream.

AHHHH!

I scream. I smile. I get what it is I need to accomplish personally. I will, eventually. When I can stop living for anything other than myself. When I can get over my fear of being loved by someone other than my family. Eventually I'll truly accept me and refuse to let anyone not accept me so much that I compromise what makes me smile.

I recently congratulated my sister for loving fearlessly...one day I will too.

Cheers my friends,

N.J.