Old.

Age aside, I wonder what defines "getting older." Tonight I feel older. I feel like I have eyes that have seen enough to know enough about, well, enough. I feel like I hold answers to questions that I had when I was younger, or I'm full of experience enough to guide others that I see. I don't know why, but right now in this moment I feel as though I'm standing on an extremely solid foundation. Obviously a birthday grants you a year older status, but it can't make you older in the sense I'm wondering about. I don't know if there is a moment in time, a deep breath or a wish upon a star that defines or creates this boldness, but at some point to this point it happened, and I feel older.

I see my friends making decisions. Some of them I congratulate, because I feel as though they are going towards a place of realizing their goals. Others I stare at and wonder if they've thought past the action in regard to the reaction it will cause; not only for themselves, but the others around. I see these decisions being made, but not the thought process that creates them. I have to wonder, how often do we think about what we do. I stand fully for living in the moment and jumping off the ledge, but what goes through our minds as we step towards that ledge matters almost as much as what we are diving towards. As I wonder about this, I wonder if perhaps I see things the way I do, because I don't fully understand the situations in which I'm involved in or my friends confide in me about. The end point here is that whichever end of the scenario you stand on, do your best to understand it from several perspectives. I'm doing this; it will cause this to happen for this person; it will cause that to happen for that person. If after consideration you feel that it is right, than shift your weight to the front of your foot, close your eyes and dive. Don't fall, ever: DIVE.

Also with older eyes, I look at relationships. Not about when you are in one, because I know nothing about that; I am talking about what gets you into one. From meeting a person, getting to know a person, growing more fond of person, and whatever else happens that make things more official. For me, I meet a person, and 99% I don't see them past a friendship. 1% of the time, I can sense possibility and I faithfully pursue the person. In that 1% for me, 99% of my actions go unreturned, yet I still continue to pursue. If the person in consideration doesn't follow through once, I plan again. If they don't follow through again, I justify for them; this cycle continues until moments like now, "older moments" happen and I realize I'm too experiences to be made a fool by anyone. Right now this person (whoever they may be at the time) doesn't matter. There words become hollow, there actions become typical and I become uninterested. It is in these moments that I realize my two feet are beyond capable of moving me forward and keeping me sturdy; I need nobody to assist me with this. To the person I counted on, I let you go.

Old or young, we go through a lot. With our friends, with our hearts. We will fall at times, flourish at others...but as long as we learn constantly we will get to moments like I am having tonight. Be young forever, but let your brain feel old every once in awhile.

NB

Direction.

The general direction of your life, although obviously a constant motion, is never quite clear. Often times one thinks he or she is moving a certain direction, when actually the route they are on is simply a path towards an completely different direction. Sometimes you must head West to eventually go South. The idea here is that rather than spending time determining the direction, spend time discovering how you fit in and interact with what makes the route unique in itself.

Every turn I take, I realize I wasn't where I thought I was. I'm often far ahead of the game, or, during bad times, falling behind. There is great importance in keeping up with the pace of life and accepting it, for we have no great control over where we ultimately end up. There is no clear beginning or ends to situations, because, again, these paths are unpredictable; you never know when you will have to cross already treaded ground to get to a brand new landscape. Don't burn a fire to destroy anywhere you've been.

Accept everything life shows you along your way. It is all beautiful and it is all meaningful.

My modeling page.

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NJB

Today I lit a candle.

I want to be cold with the winter winds blowing so fiercely that I can barely stand it. I want the bottoms of my pants to be soaking wet with evidence that the winter storms have begun, acting as a sign to cling to anything that will keep me warm. That is how I grew up in the midwest. I want to look out the window of my childhood home and see the street covered, knee high in snow, knowing that I'd have to venture through the white blanket to reach any destination.

As cold as it could be outside, home was always warm and welcoming. The bay window peppered with Santa figurines and the latest addition to my mother's snowman decoration collection, always seemed to stand as a symbol to the holiday season. I'd stare at those decorations and couldn't help but notice the constant downfall of snow cover the ground, seemingly giving me a fresh, clean slate to start all over. It was like the world, once again, was painted white and I was offered the opportunity to repaint the scenery.

I want to start all over again. I want to be a little boy crowded around the table with my entire family, immediate and not, laughing and sharing stories. I want the smell of holiday meals to take over the air and the sound of my families chatter to dominate the house.

I'll be home for Christmas. I'll be there to take in every moment, more so than I ever have. I'll be home to share the company of a strong woman, who deserves to be healthy. She's shared every part of her life and now I will stand up as the man she helped me to become and share all that I have to see to it that she has many years to spend with our family.

Today I lit a candle. I did so with the intention of having it burn for all that I've had and all that I want it to remain, and become. I pray for the health of my loved ones. I pray for their opportunities to continue to come in the plenty and their hearts to be fulfilled with love and accomplishment. I pray for their health, their strength and their resilience. I pray for the blood within their veins to continue flowing with loyalty, humility and pride.

To you.

We all deserve to be happy. Nobody should disagree with that. If you are a human who has felt any ounce of pain or discomfort, you know you don't want to feel it again. It blows my mind that there are people out there that ruthlessly cause those feelings for other people.

The recent string of suicides due to bullying that we've all been hearing about in the news not only break my heart, but really make me mad. It isn't fair. We all live in this world. We entered it the same way as one another, full of life and opportunity. The term growing up shouldn't just include your age, but the way you act. Your first word should be the first step to the many you'll learn and the ways in which you use them. Use your words in a positive way, for the love of God.

Anyone out there who believes that homosexuality is so offensive that they feel the need to hurt another person is absolutely a dense person. I say that point blank and with full belief in it. I don't disagree with the fact that people can disagree, but its how you deal with your differences. I hope that everyone who has bullied or hurt another person with their words can feel that pain one day. Perhaps when they have children who just can't fit in.

To anyone out there who hates other people, I address this to you.

To the person who made another person cry, because what you saw you didn't like. I wish you all the very best that life has to offer. Because that's what I believe. I believe we all deserve to run fast, laugh loud and love fearlessly. One foot in front of the other, just like I move forward, I wish you to move the same. I hope you never feel left out, like you don't have a place in this world. I hope all those hateful words you choose to share, that you produce with no thought or reason, never get thrown back at you. I pray for you, that you never wake up with fear, because you don't know that the room you walk into will have anyone in it that welcomes you. I hope all of this for you.
And I hope your children never feel the wrath of someones hate. I hope they never go home from school and cry themselves to sleep. I hope that they never see "fag" carved into the side of their car, or garbage dumped on top of it. I hope that they have the opportunity to meet someone else and fall in love, with no reservations of doing so.
I wish you the very best, and I wish for you to have the chance to wake up and feel the same way about everyone. Its a big world and people like you make it feel like a shoebox. Closed, small and uncomfortable. Understand, however, that the more you beat something down, the stronger it will become. You may need someone someday that you never thought you would. Treat everyone that way so that when you are dying for a drink of water someone will share with you, because they see your worth. They see all you deserve to accomplish.
We all deserve good things.

I offer this to anyone who cannot help but be mean.

I pray for those who lost their lives because of the pain someone else caused.

And to those who aren't sure they belong, you do. I accept you and a lot of people in this world do. You are a wonderful person, no matter what anyone says. Look in the mirror and see all that you are.

Swiftly passing.

The autumn has arrived. Only this time, for only the second time in my life leaves aren't changing and the air isn't cooling.

There was always something comforting about the first day out wearing a sweatshirt and seeing how the Fall painted over the images of summer I played in for the past several months. The sounds of the local marching band whispering in my ears always became the soundtrack of the season and surely I knew that with the change of scenery would be a change in my life. Almost like an alarm clock began buzzing away, a part of my soul wakes up during each fall. I see similar things very differently, my attitude towards everything changes and I become an older person.

I was born in the fall. A yellow and orange world welcomed me--a season where families naturally become stronger and celebrations are in the plenty. I often wonder if being a fall baby is the reason I find so many things celebration worthy. Or maybe its the reason I believe in the spirit of a strong family.

Out west, the leaves don't change, people don't paint the town orange and, well, I haven't heard a marching band or watched a football game for the two years I've been gone from Ohio. This is simple enough and, truly, not too hard to deal with. The absence of the symbols I grew up associating with the Fall have faded, but my mind see's things differently. This is my time for a new beginning; a step towards my adult life where I turn old traditions into memories and begin building the traditions I will pass along to my future family. I will never, however, forget all I grew up to know.

September has come and is swiftly passing. I'll always see old Dales Court when I close my eyes; little me dressed up running down the street with my father, eager to catch the school buss. Or the image of leaves piled up in the yard as my mother and I set off to Maple Farms to buy apples and take wagon rides. I remember my first football practice and my first time under Friday night lights. The images are so bittersweet to me.

I look forward to cherishing those moments forever and I look forward to creating my own. September has come and October will pass quickly. This November I will age yet another year, but will always have my young heart.

Everyone deserves love, laughter and the sky as their limit.

You don't know what the people you know have seen, fought through, cried through, worked so hard to get through...all you know is that they survived and are always getting better. Be a positive influence in peoples lives. There are people who love them dearly and would be heart broken to know that their ...loved one isn't being treated right. Everyone deserves love, laughter and the sky as their limit.